Symbols Chosen for Final Artwork 1

NOTE: The symbols used in these drawings are purely subjective. This is a personal journey and these are representations of MY feelings, emotions, and behaviors.

After doing extensive research on the meanings and symbolism behind certain markings and symbols. I created my own list of symbols to represent my journey. I have chosen to create this list to represent my personal journey with anxiety. By understanding these symbols, you will be able to "read" my mandalas and understand the behaviours, thoughts and emotions going through me when I experience an anxious episode. These symbols are is no way to be used to generalise another person's experience. Everyone has a different way of dealing with certain behaviours and everyone experiences emotions differently.

Full / complete circle

The first symbol on this list is the complete or full circle. I have decided to include this symbols because for me it represents the essence of a mandala. The complete circle represents "completing the cycle" and thereby surviving. The last circle of a mandala has to be drawn for it to be completed. In the same way, I have to be calm for me to have completed the anxious episode. When thinking about my anxiety I often explain it to people in the metaphor of a wave:

" I acknowledge my thoughts are just like a wave, I watch it go up... and then float away." I can feel the anxiety building up just like a wave starts building up. Like a wave starts pulling back I also pull away from those near me and I tend to isolate myself in my room so that I do not get overwhelmed. But just the same as a wave, it finally comes crashing down.

Afterward, there is a sense of calmness but I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. But just like a wave has to complete the action and crash on the beach, I also have to complete my anxious episode to be able to calm down again. If I do not get to the "crashing" stage, my "wave of anxiety" just keeps building and getting more and more intense.

Half circle

This leads to the following symbol, which is the half symbol. This symbol represents an "incomplete cycle". This usually happens when I am not able to calm myself down and the wave just keeps building.

When it happens I usually get very disorientated and I start to go into full panic mode. When this happens I usually prefer someone to hold my hand, because that physical touch grounds me and helps me calm down enough to be able to breathe normally. Sometimes I need a very tight hug before I register that someone is with me. This does not happen a lot and therefore when these half circles are included in my mandalas they are very small. I have also included some bigger ones for those occasions that my anxious episodes are really bad.

Lotus flower

This is a more traditional symbol found in mandalas. This symbol represents destructive and negative behaviors that I tend to do when I am anxious. My first response when I am anxious is usually one of anger. I tend to lash out at those near me, even if they had nothing to do with my situation.

In the past, I turned to self-harm as a way to ground myself. The physical sensations would distract me from my emotional turmoil (for a little bit). I now understand how I was trying to distract myself in unhealthy ways. I was damaging my body and my self-image and my relationships with those around me.

This flower, with the sharp edges, is a reminder of who far I have come. It is also a reminder of all the positive coping skills that I have learned along the way. Just because you have stumbled in the past, does not mean that there is no hope for the future.

Leaves

I have spoken previously of how I use physical touch (like a hug) to calm me down. These leaves in different variations represent that grounding. Nature has always had a calming effect on me and has been a big part of my life.

I always think of the story that my grandmother told me when I was younger. In our yard, we have a very big tree that has been there for ages. It has been standing through all of the seasons, through wind and rain. But no matter what, the tree keeps on standing and keeps on growing, since its roots are buried deep into the earth, keeping it upright and sturdy. In the same way, I am rooted in my family. Their love supports me no matter the circumstances that are thrown my way. When I am feeling particularly anxious, I always think about this story and then I go to my mother to get a hug.

Right side up triangle

When I tried to visualize what my thoughts look like, I immediately thought about a triangle. I see the thoughts bouncing from side to side as I start overthinking everything. I feel trapped in my mind sometimes.

I think of a triangle that turns into a funnel that leads to my thoughts spiraling. I rarely like being in silence because that's when I start thinking. In these mandalas that I am drawing, you will never see an empty triangle, it is always filled with another symbol. That is because my mind is never still, and honestly it can be extremely exhausting.

Upside down traingle

I decided to differentiate between a right-side-up triangle and an upside-down triangle. Although the normal triangle represents thoughts in general, the upside-down triangle represents negative and intrusive thoughts. I decided to use the upside-down symbol because when I feel anxious it feels like my whole world is getting turned upside down.

With these negative thoughts, they tend to turn dark very fast. Although I know it is just in my mind, they sometimes feel very real to me. the intrusive thoughts are very violent and scary sometimes. For example, if we are driving in a car and someone is walking beside the road, I would think to hit them with the car. I then start to think about their family and the funeral that they would have to plan and how I am responsible for that misery. I then start spiraling and I struggle to snap out of it. Other times my mind turns those dark thoughts on myself and I start to question why I am alive. It feels like I am taking the space of a much better persona and that I am very selfish...

I just want to say again that I have gotten a lot of help and learned a lot of new methods to counteract these thoughts. It has taken a while but I am now able to keep myself from going into these anxious episodes from these thoughts by talking to trusted people. They are merely there to listen and ground me to reality.

Teardrop

The teardrop represents crying. I have chosen to include this symbol because I am no longer ashamed of crying. I have come to realize that it is merely a relief mechanism. It is a part of my "crashing" phase. After I have cried I tend to feel a lot better and a lot more relieved.

I am a big advocate for normalizing crying. It does not mean that you are weak or sensitive, it is merely your body releasing some tension.